There are some things in life that you will simply never understand — no matter how much you try. I believe you simply cannot wrap your head around what is going on and what is being said.

I also believe that God will allow you to handle the things that He knows that you can handle, and you will come out on the other side.

But it’s not going to be easy — then again, what worth having in life is easy?

There will be times that you are going to want to give up — you may even want to try to take your own life. Don’t. 

You have seen so much death that when you stand above a family member’s grave you will not drop the first tear. To you it’s just another body.

You may be in constant crisis and not even know it. You may cry, kick and even scream at times begging God to allow you to understand. You may lose sleep.

All the ghosts will have caught up to you and you will see them — hell you may even talk to them. You may see the man you killed, or you may even talk to the little boy who died in your arms while you were trying to save his life. You may hear the screams from all the people that you could not save.

But rarely will you hear the “thank you” that you were told while out on the job. The faces of the ones that died on your watch will be burned into your soul and there is no way to erase them, but even if you could you would choose to keep them for the simple reason they are part of your journey called Post Traumatic Disorder (PTSD).

If you’re lucky, command staff will support you — but they’re more likely to throw you to the wolves.

You will be told to “suck it up.” You will be told to “pull yourself up by the boot straps” and “get back on the horse.”

The job consumed you and you will carry it around for the rest of your life. Some will forget you, but there will be a few who will stand by your side even when you dance with the devil.

Then a light clicks from out of nowhere and you have just been guided by the man above and you see things a little more clear and you realize that your journey is to help others. That’s what happened to me.

Recently, I had a guy I’d never seen before walk up to me and say, “I got your six.”

As he walked away I saw he had a fire department shirt on.

The next day at a store, I saw another brother in blue I really didn’t know on a personal level. He walked up me and said, “Thank you for saving me. I did not hurt myself because of you. I have been following you through the years because you gave me inspiration — I knew that if you could make it I knew I could as well.”

On a daily basis I am being told by God (and others) that I am not done. A year and a half ago I returned to school with the goal of becoming a trauma counselor to help first responders

I believe that we have two wolves inside us — a good one and a bad one. We have to make sure that we feed the good more than we do the bad one.

I believe that joy is not a choice. It is not a response to some result.

It is a constant feeling to do what we have to do no matter the outcome.

Never give up on the fight because I promise you that it was for something. It’s okay to have earned tears and try and leave the world a little bit better place than the way that you found it. Lastly do not do anything to jeopardize your soul.

 

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