Top Ten Ways Not to Start a Report

1. Hear ye, hear ye:

2. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

3. What it do players? Here’s the deal:

4. From the desk of the world’s greatest cop

5. Four score and seven years ago…

6. Will whoever took my red stapler please return it ASAP.

7. Dear Mom:

8. I was pretty wasted, so don’t put too much stock in the details of the following incident report.

9. He ran, I chased…yadda, yadda, yadda…

10. There once was a perp from Nantucket.

Courtesy of American Police Beat